Everyone has their own way of dealing with the problems in their lives. Some talk it out, others listen to music. I also know of people who run to deal with frustrations (though I've never quite understood that one). But for me I write. I write down all of my thoughts and feelings that maybe I'm too ashamed to talk about. Too afraid to look weak. But sometimes trying to be strong for so long can be exhausting.
I can count with my fingers and toes the amount of times I've cried in the past few years. At least half of those times have happened in the past few weeks. And for me it's been hard to accept that maybe I can't control everything. I'm not going to be the type of person I want to be RIGHT NOW! I'm also not going to understand everything that I want to know. Like why when I'm trying to do all the right things, that everything falls apart. Why every time I plan out my life it suddenly drastically changes. Why I keep getting a "not-anytime-soon" answer to a righteous desire I desperately want.
But about the same time all of these frustrations started to take hold in my life I was introduced to a song that I have been listening to on repeat ever since. It tells of the blessings that we ask for, the ones that we expect, and then acknowledges the fact that blessings often don't come that way.
'Cause what if your blessings come through rain drops
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights are what it takes to know You're near
What if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise
So I've been trying my best to see the blessings in all of this. And it's not easy. It feels hopeless at times. But I also know that sometimes our Heavenly Father gives us mountains to climb. And I am comforted by the words of Elder Joseph B. Wirthlin "If we approach adversities wisely our hardest times can be times of greatest growth, which in turn can lead toward times of greatest happiness." So I am excited to see who I will become after all of this is over, because I literally have no idea. It is scary to let go, and take a couple of steps into the unknown.
What if my greatest disappointments or the aching of this life
Is the revealing of a greater thirst this world can't satisfy
What if trials of this life
The rain, the storms, the hardest nights
Are your mercies in disguise
So maybe, just maybe, these trials really are an answer to my prayers. Maybe this will be how I will grow closer to my Father in Heaven and really learn how to rely on Him. Because He really does love us, He loves me! And He knows me! And though it will be hard, as heartbreak always is, I know it will help me to know Him better as well.
(I encourage you to listen this the song, "Blessings" by Laura Story)